[Telephone Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
Hello.
What?
No, I don't work today.
I'm playing hockey at 2:00.
Why don't you call Randal?
'Cause I'm fuckin' tired!
I just closed last night.
What?
I've got a hockey game!
I'm not doing it.
Jesus.
What time do you think you're gonna come in, 12:00?
Be there by 12:00? Where?
Swear you'll be there by 12:00 and I'll do it.
12:00 or I walk.
##["Clerks"]
[Slurping]
#It's a meaningless end to the story #
# Got no time for the forgotten glory #
# Got no choice when I know what I'm after #
#It just brings me to laughter #
- #Just save up all your nickels and dimes # - [Engine Starts]
#Let's see what you'll find and you know #
#I guess I'm living day-to-day #
#Just hope that you get led astray, hell, yeah #
#I guess I'm living day-to-day #
#Hear what I say, yeah #
#Just save up all your nickels and dimes #
#Let's see what you'll find and you know #
#I just died for a piece of the pie but #
#I'd be glad to just feast on some pie crust #
#And now just when I know what I'm after #
#It just brings me to laughter #
#Just save up all your nickels and dimes #
- #Let's see what you'll find and you know # - Shit!
#I guess I'm living day-to-day Yeah #
#Just hope that you get led astray, hell, yeah #
#I guess I'm living day-to-day #
#Hear what I say #
#It's a meaningless end to the story #
# Got no time for the forgotten glory #
# Got no choice when I know what I'm after #
#It just brings me to laughter #
#Just save up all your nickels and dimes #
#Let's see what you find and you know #
#I guess I'm living day-to-day Yeah #
#Just hope that you get led astray #
#Hell, yeah #
#I guess I'm living day-to-day Yeah #
#Hear what I say Oh, yeah #
# Ooh-hoo ##
Thanks. Have a good one.
- Do you mind if I drink this here? - Sure. Go ahead.
- You open? - Yeah.
- Pack of cigarettes. - Are you sure?
- Am I sure? - Are you sure?
- Am I sure about what? - Do you really wanna buy those cigarettes?
- Are you serious? - How long you been smoking?
- What is this, a poll? - How long you been a smoker?
I don't know. Since I was about 13.
Thirteen. Let's see, you're about 19, 20?
- Am I right? - What in the hell is that?
That's your lung. By this time, your lung looks like this.
- You've gotta be shitting me. - You think I'm shitting you?
- Here. - What's this?
A trach ring. It's what they install in your throat when cancer takes your voice box.
- This one came out of a 60-year-old man. - Oh, God!
He smoked until the day he died.
- Used to put the cigarette in this and smoke that way. - Excuse me, but...
This is where you're heading. Cruddy lung, smoking through a hole in your throat.
- Do you really want that? - If it's already too late, I guess...
No, it's never too late. Put the cigarettes back, and try some gum instead.
- Here. Chewlies gum. Try this. - It's not the same.
It's cheaper than cigarettes, and it certainly beats this.
- Oh, Jesus! - It's a picture of a cancer-ridden lung.
Keep it.
- I'll just take the gum. - Fifty-five.
You made a very wise choice. Keep up the good work.
If you're gonna drink that coffee, I think you oughta take it outside, huh?
I think I'll drink it in here. Thanks.
If you're gonna drink it in here, I'd appreciate it if you don't bother the customers.
Okay. I'm sorry about that.
- Pack of cigarettes. What's that? - This?
How long you been smoking?
Yo, we need some tits and ass! Yeah!
I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money.
And you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna go to that party and get some pussy.
I'm gonna fuck this bitch. I'm gonna fuck this bitch.
I'll fuck anything that moves!
What the fuck you lookin' at? I'll kick your fuckin' ass!
Shit, yeah. Don't that motherfucker owe me ten bucks?
You know, tonight we're going to rip off this fucker's head, take out his fuckin' soul.
Remind me if he tries to buy something. I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag.
- [Girl Laughing] - What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?
Shit. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that?
You're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you...
line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.
Ew, you fucking faggot. I hate guys.
I love women!
What you want, Grizzly Adams?
- You sellin, man? - What you want, man? You 5-0?
5-0? I never even been to Hawaii.
Yeah, man. I got hits, hash, coke, weed, and next we gonna have some 'shrooms.
I'll take cash, no Visa or MasterCard.
Come on, motherfucker. What you want? Hurry up!
You're spending what, 20, maybe 30 dollars a week on your cigarettes?
- Yeah. - Forty. - Fifty-three.
Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes! Come on!
Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you?
That's what you're doing now by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke!
We're gonna croak sometime.
It's that mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive.
Of course we're all gonna die someday! Do we have to pay for it?
Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter...
and say, "Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please...
"sell me something that will stink up my breath and clothes...
- and fry my lungs!" - What, do you think it's easy to quit?
No, of course it's not easy to quit!
Not when you got people like this mindless cretin ready to sell you nails in your coffin!
[Dante] Now, wait a second.
Here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders.
Let me tell you about another group of hate-mongers that were just following orders.
They were called Nazis!
Fuckin' Nazi.
They practically wiped an entire nation off the Earth, like your cigarettes are doing now!
You know the people that partake in the practice of smoking...
or the selling of the wares that promote it are the Nazi's of the 90s!
Do you think he cares how many people die from it?
- Fuck, no. - No!
He smiles as you buy your cancer sticks and he says "Have a nice day".
- I think you oughta leave. - You want me to leave. Why?
'Cause somebody's telling it like it is, giving these fine people a wake-up call?
- Yeah. - No, you're loitering and causing a disturbance.
I'm a disturbance? You're the disturbance, pal.
Here, now I am a customer. I'm gonna buy some Chewlies gum.
I'm a customer engaged in a discussion with the other customers.
Shut up and smoke my big fat cock!
He's scared now 'cause he sees the threat we present.
- He smells the change is coming! - You can smell it.
Yeah, and the loss of sales when the non-smokers demand satisfaction!
Man, we demand the right to breathe clean air!
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah!
We're gonna chew this gum, then embrace your slow death!
Let's abolish this heinous act of smoking!
If it means ruffling the feathers...
of some convenience store idiot, so be it!
- Oh, now that's it, everybody out! - We're not moving.
We have a constitutional right to assemble and be heard!
- Yeah, but not in here. - What better place than this, then?
If you wanna stamp this thing out, you start at the source.
- Here! - Like I'm responsible for all the smokers!
In this area, you are responsible!
You encourage the growth of their habit.
You definitely are the source in this area, and we're gonna shut you down for good!
For good, cancer merchant!
[Chanting] Cancer merchant! Cancer merchant!
- [Liquid Sprays] - [Coughing]
- Who's leading this mob? - Let's get out of here.
[Coughing] That guy.
[Woman] Freeze!
Let's see some credentials. Slowly!
You're a Chewlies gum representative?
You're stirring up anti-smoking sentiment to what, sell more gum?
Get out of here!
And you people... Don't you have jobs to go to? Get out of here. Go commute.
You oughta be ashamed of yourselves. A bunch of easily-led automatons.
Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes!
[Coughing, Clears Throat]
Uh, pack of cigarettes?
Looked like Tiananmen Square in here for a second.
Thank you, Veronica. You saved me from an extremely ugly mob scene.
Okay, champ, what's wrong?
Alright, stupid question, but don't you think you're taking this a bit too hard?
I have enough indignities in my life and people start throwing cigarettes at me.
- At least they weren't lit. - Oh, I hate this fucking place.
Then quit. You should be going to school anyway.
Please, Veronica, the last thing I need is a lecture.
All I'm saying is, if you're that unhappy, you should leave.
- I'm not even supposed to be here today! - I know.
I stopped by your house. Your mom told me you left, like, at 6:00 or something.
The guy got sick. He couldn't come in.
- Don't you have a hockey game at 2:00? - Yes.
And I'm gonna play like shit because I didn't have a good night's sleep.
- Why'd you agree to come in then? - Hey, I'm only here until 12:00.
After that, I'm gone. The boss comes in.
- Why don't you open the shutters? Get some sunlight in here. - Someone jammed gum in the locks.
- You're kidding. - Bunch of savages in this town.
You look bushed. What time did you get in?
I don't know. 2:30, 3:00?
- What were you doing up so late? - Nothin'.
What were you doing?
Nothing! Do I gotta fight with you now?
Who's fighting? Why are you so defensive?
Who's defensive? Will you just hug me?
Your boyfriend was just accosted by an angry mob. He needs to be hugged.
What? What is it?
- She called you, didn't she? - Stop it.
I just went through a very traumatic experience...
and I haven't been having the best day so far. Come on!
What is that look?
Fine. I wasn't talking to anybody, especially her.
Look at you, being all sorts of standoffish.
All right, fine. You don't trust me, don't hug me.
All right. I see how it is.
Okay, miss pissypants, you just sit there being all suspicious and quiet.
I don't even want a hug from you at this point.
I'll give you a dollar.
- Thanks. - How much money did you leave up there?
Like three dollars in mixed change and a couple of singles.
This time in the morning, people just get a paper or coffee.
- You're trusting. - Why do you say that?
How do you know they're taking the right amount of change or even paying for what they take?
Theoretically, people see money on the counter, no one around...
they think they're being watched.
Honesty through paranoia.
Why do you smell like shoe polish?
I needed shoe polish to make that sign out there.
- Smell won't come off. - [Door Opens]
You think anybody can see us down here?
Why, you wanna have sex or something?
- Can we? - Really?
- I was kidding. - Like you can't get enough of me.
- Typically male point of view. - How do you figure?
Show some bedroom proficiency, you think you're gods.
What about what we do for you?
Women as lovers are basically the same; they just have to be there.
- Be there? - Making a male climax isn't at all challenging.
Insert somewhere close, preferably moist, thrust, repeat.
How flattering.
- Now, making a woman come, therein lies a challenge. - You think so?
A woman makes a guy come, it's standard.
A guy makes a woman come, it's talent.
- And I actually date you? - Something wrong?
I'm insulted. Believe me, Don Juan, it takes more than that to get a guy off.
Just being there, as you put it, is not enough.
Hmm, I've touched a nerve.
I'm astonished you trivialize my role in our sex life.
It wasn't directed at you. I was making a broad generalization.
You're making a generalization about broads.
Those are my opinions based on the few women who were goodly enough to sleep with me.
- How many? - How many what?
How many different girls have you slept with?
- Didn't we have this discussion once before? - We might have.
- I don't remember. How many? - Including you?
It better be up to and including me.
- Twelve. - You slept with 12 different girls?
Including you? Yes.
- Ow! What'd you do that for? - You're a pig!
- Why'd you hit me? - Do you know how many different men I've had sex with?
Do I get to hit you after you tell me?
- Three. - Three?
- Three, including you. - You only slept with three different people?
- I'm not the pig you are. - Who?
- You! - No, who are the three, besides me.
- John Francin and Rob Stanslik. - Wow.
That's why you should feel like a pig. You men make me feel sick.
- You'll sleep with anything that says yes. - Animal, mineral or vegetable?
- Vegetable, meaning paraplegic. - They put up the least amount of struggle.
- After dropping a bombshell like that, you owe me big. - Name it.
- I want you to come with me on Monday. - Where?
To school. There's a seminar about getting back...
into a scholastic program after a lapse in enrollment.
- Can't we ever have a discussion without that coming up? - It's important to me, Dante.
You have so much potential that's going to waste in this pit.
- I wish you'd go back to school. - Jesus, would you stop. You're making my head hurt.
- Shit! Why're you getting up? - Unlike you, I have a class in 45 minutes.
Willam?
Hey, Ronni. How you been, man?
What, do you work here now?
No, I was visiting my man.
Dante, this is Willam Black. This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.
- How you doing? Just the soda? - No, and a pack of cigarettes.
So where you been, man? Still going to Seton Hall?
No, I transferred into Monmouth this year. I was tired of missing him.
That's beautiful, man.
So, you still talk to Silvan?
I just talked to her on Monday. We still hang out on weekends.
Oh, that's great.
Well, you two lovebirds take it easy, okay?
Bye. Take it easy.
- [Ronni] That was Snowball. - Why do you call him that?
Silvan made it up. It's a blow job thing.
What do you mean?
After he gets a blow job, he likes to have it spit back...
into his mouth while kissing; it's called snowballing.
- He requests this? - He gets off on it.
- Silvan can be talked into anything. - Why do you say that?
Like you said, she snowballed him.
- Silvan? No, I snowballed him. - Yeah, right.
I'm serious.
- You sucked that guy's dick? - Yeah. How do you think I knew...
You said you only had sex with three different guys! You never mentioned him!
- Because I never had sex with him. - You sucked his dick!
We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around.
Oh, my God. Why did you tell me you only had sex with three guys?
Because I did only have sex with three guys.
- It doesn't mean I didn't just go with people. - Oh, my God, I feel so nauseous!
- I'm sorry, Dante. I thought you understood. - I did understand!
I understood that you had sex with three guys and that's all you said!
- Please calm down. - How many?
- Dante, let it go! - How many dicks have you sucked?
Shut up a second and I'll tell you. Jesus!
I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
This is different. This is important. How many?
Well?
- Something like 36. - What? Something like 36?
- Lower your voice. - What is that anyway... "something like 36"?
Does that include me?
- Uh... 37. - I'm 37?
- I'm going to class. - Oh, my God.
- Thirty-seven! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks! - In a row?
- Where you going? - Hey, listen, jerk. Until today, you never even knew...
how many guys I slept with because you never even bothered to ask.
Then you act all nonchalant about fucking 12 girls. I never had sex with 12 guys!
- No, but you sucked enough dick! - Yeah, I went down on a few guys.
- A few? - One of those guys was you. The last one, I might add.
Which, if you're too stupid to comprehend, means that I've been faithful to you since we met.
All the other guys I went with before I met you. If you want to have a complex, go ahead.
But don't look at me like I'm the town whore because you were plenty busy before you met me.
Why did you suck their dick? Why couldn't you sleep with them like any other decent person?
Because going down isn't a big deal.
I used to like a guy, we'd make out, and sooner or later I'd go down on him.
- But I only had sex with the guys I loved. - I feel sick.
I love you! Don't feel sick.
Every time I kiss you, I'm gonna taste 36 other guys.
- I'm going to school. Maybe later you'll be a bit more rational. - I'm 37! I just can't...
Good-bye, Dante!
Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!
Hey! Hey, you! Get back here.
I thought that place was supposed to be open at 11:00. It's 11:20.
I've already called his house twice. He'll be here soon.
Hey, it's not like it's a demanding job over there.
I'd like to get paid to sit on my ass and watch TV.
I walked in the other day, that son of a bitch was sleeping.
- I'm sure he wasn't sleeping. - Are you calling me a liar?
- No! He was probably just resting his eyes.
What the hell is that, "resting his eyes"?
- Like he's some air traffic controller? - Actually, that's his night job.
Wise ass too, huh? Go ahead. Keep cracking wise.
That's why you're jockeying a register in some fuckin' local convenience store...
instead of working at a steady job.
I've got no time to bullshit around here, waiting for that son of a bitch.
Make sure he gets that.
The number's 812. My name's Wynarski. I wanted a movie tonight.
If you tell me the title of the movie, he'll hold it for you.
Don't hurt yourself, buddy. I'll go to Big Choice Video instead.
[Door Opens, Closes]
You forgot your keys.
- Guy ain't here yet. - You're kidding! It's almost 11:30.
- I've been here since 11:00. - I hate it when I can't rent videos!
I would've went to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right in that wall.
- Which one? - "Dental School."
You came for that too? That's the movie I came for.
- I have first dibs. - Says who?
Says me. I've been here for half an hour. I'd call that first dibs.
- Ain't gonna happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie. - Like hell you are.
I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape.
- Twenty bucks? - Twenty bucks.
- All right, asshole. You're on. - [Engine Starts]
You're late.
- What the hell are you doing here? - The boss called. Arthur fell ill.
- Why are the shutters closed? - Someone jammed gum in the locks.
- Bunch of savages in this town. - That's what I said.
If I'd known you were here, I'd have come even later.
- What smells like shoe polish? - Go open the store.
- Hey, you see a set of keys around here? - No time for love, Dr. Jones.
Fucking kids.
Some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees.
Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership.
- Shocking abuse of authority. - I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class...
especially since I rule.
- Is the pelican flying? - Don't screw with it. It makes us look suspicious.
I can't stand a voyeur. I'll be back.
- [Randal] You want something to drink? I'm buying. - [Dante] No, thanks.
Who was on your phone this morning, like 2:30?
- I was trying to call for half an hour. - Why?
I wanted to use your car. Snack cake.
You don't wanna know.
- You call Caitlin again? - She called me.
- You tell Veronica? - One fight a day with Veronica is all I can stomach, thanks.
- What do you fight about? - We don't fight about anything.
She wants me to leave here and go back to school and get some direction.
- I bet the most frequent topic of arguments is Caitlin Bree. - You win.
I'm going to offer you some advice, my friend. Let the past be the past.
Forget Caitlin Bree. You been with Veronica how long now?
- Seven months. - Chick's nuts about you.
- How long you date Caitlin? - Five years.
Chick only made you nuts, man. She cheated on you how many times?
- Eight and a half. - Eight and a half?
Party at John Kay's, senior year; I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom.
- Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me. - So that's cheating?
- No. In the middle of it she called me Brad. - She called you Brad?
That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex.
- One time, I called this girl "mom." - I hit the light, she freaks.
- She thought I was Brad Michelson. - What do you mean?
She was supposed to meet Brad in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one.
- She didn't even know I was at the party. - Oh, my God.
- Great story, huh? - That girl was vile to you.
Interesting postscript to that story. Do you know who wound up in that bedroom with Brad?
- Your mother? - Alan Harris.
- Chess team Alan Harris? - The two moved to Idaho together. They raise sheep.
- That's frightening. - Takes different strokes to move the world.
In light of this lurid tale, I don't see...
how you could romanticize your relationship with Caitlin.
She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
There was a lot of good in our relationship.
Aside from the cheating, we were a great couple.
That's what high school was about: Algebra, bad lunch and infidelity.
- You think things will be different this time? - They are.
When she calls me now, she's a different person. She's frightened, vulnerable.
She's finishing college and about to enter the real world. That's scary for anyone.
- Shit, I gotta place an order. - Talkin' to myself here.
- I'm listening. She's leaving college and... - And she's looking for support.
- I think this is leading our relationship to a new level. - What about Veronica?
I think the arguments Veronica and I are having are some kind of manifestation...
of a subconscious desire to break up with her...
so I can pursue a more meaningful relationship with Caitlin.
- Caitlin's on the same wavelength? - It's safe to say yes.
- I think all four of you better sit down and talk it over. - All four?
You, Veronica, Caitlin and Caitlin's fianc�.
- Do you sell video tapes? - Yeah. What are you looking for?
- "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup." - Uh, one second.
I'm on the phone with the distribution house. Let me make sure they got it.
- What's it called again? - "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup."
- [Child] Happy Scrappy... - She loves it. - Obviously.
This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352.
I'd like to place an order.
I need one each of the following tapes:
"Whispers In The Wind," "To Each His Own,"
"Put It Where It Doesn't Belong," "My Pipes Need Cleaning,"
"All Tit Fucking, Volume Eight," "I Need Your Cock,"
"Ass Worshipping Rim Jobbers," "My Cunt And Eight Shafts,"
"Cum Clean," "Cum Gargling Naked Sluts," "Cum Buns III,"
"Cumming In Socks," "Cum On Eileen,"
"Huge Black Cocks With Pearly White Cum,"
"Girls Who Crave Cock," "Girls Who Crave Cunt,"
"Men Alone Il: The K.Y. Connection," "Pink Pussy Lips,"
oh, yeah, and, uh, "All Holes Filled With Hard Cock."
Yep. Oh, wait a minute. What was that called again?
Yes, I'd like to check on a misprint in today's edition.
Today's edition.
It says, "Bree to wed Asian design major."
No, everything's spelled fine. I was just wondering if the article was a misprint.
I don't know, like a typographical error or something.
Maybe it should say, "Caitlin Bray" or "Caitlin Bre" with one "E".
I'm a curious party. A curious party.
I'm an ex-boyfriend, and, well...
I talk to her all the time and she never mentioned this engagement.
That's why I'm thinking maybe it's a misprint.
Are you sure? Maybe there's a vindictive printer working for you.
Meaning like, someone who asked her out once and got shot down...
and this is his revenge by putting this bogus article in the paper when it went to press.
Hello. Hello?
[Sniffing]
Not on me, she says. So I had to spank it to get it on.
So I pull it out, and I bust a fat-ass nut all over her belly...
and I got out of there just as her uncle walks in.
I tell you, it was a close call.
I don't care if she's my cousin, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.
- Look who it is. The fuckin' human vacuum. - Scumbag, what are you doing?
- Just hanging with Silent Bob and his cousin. - He's your cousin?
- He's from Russia, too. - No way.
It's true. Silent Bob, am I lying?
See, and Silent Bob never told a lie in his life.
- What part of Russia? - I don't know. Do I look like his fuckin' biographer?
- Olaf, what part of Russia are you from? - Moscow.
- He only speaks Russian? - He speaks some English, but he cannot speak it good like we do.
- Is he staying here? - Nah, he's moving to the big city this week.
- He wants to be a metal singer. - [Girl] No way.
I swear. Olaf, metal.
That's his fucking metal face. Olaf, girl nice?
- [Speaks Russian] - That's fucked up, man.
- What did he say? - I don't know, man, but this guy's a character.
- He really wants to play metal? - Yeah, he's got his own band in Moscow.
- It's called "Fuck Your Yankee Blue Jeans" or something. - That doesn't sound metal.
You gotta hear him sing. Olaf, "Berserker."
- Come on, man, "Berserker"! - Does he sing in English or Russian?
In English. Come on, "Berserker." Girls think sexy.
- Aah. Aah. - Watch, he's gonna sing it. It's too funny.
# My love for you is like a truck, berserker #
#Would you like some making fuck, berserker #
- That's fuckin' funny, man. - Did he say, "making fuck"?
Wait, there's more. Olaf, sing.
# My love for you is like truck, berserker #
#Would you like to smoke some pot, berserker #
[Science Fiction Movie Sounds, Man Screaming]
[Sounds Stop]
- Come on, you fuckin' slut. - Cut it out!
# My love for you is ticking clock, berserker #
#Would you like to suck my cock, berserker ##
That's beautiful, man.
Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Usually I just turn the can upside down.
Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
- I think it's coming! - [Falls On Floor]
Thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
[Chuckling] Stings a little.
A little word of advice: Sometimes you got to let those hard-to-reach chips go.
- [Door Opens] - Thanks.
You know, that article's accurate? Caitlin really is getting married.
- You know what I just watched? - Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
- Return Of The Jedi. - Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married.
What did you like better:Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
- Empire. - Blasphemy.
Empire had the better ending.
I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father.
Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note.
I mean, that's what life is: A series of down endings.
All Jedi had was a bunch of muppets.
There was something else going on in Jedi. I never noticed it till today.
- They build another Death Star, right? - Yeah.
The first one was completed and fully operational before the rebels destroyed it.
Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit's due.
- The second one was still being built when they blew it up. - Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
Something just never sat right with me that second time around.
I could never put my finger on it, but something just wasn't right.
- And you figured it out. - The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army.
The only people on board were Storm Troopers, dignitaries, Imperials.
- Basically. - So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
- And the second time around? - It wasn't even done being built yet.
- It was still under construction. - So?
A construction job of that magnitude would require...
a lot more manpower than the Imperial Army had to offer.
I'll bet they brought independent contractors in on that thing.
- Plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers... - Not just Imperialists.
- Is that what you're getting at? - Exactly.
To get it built quickly and quietly, they'd hire anybody that could do the job.
You think the average Storm Trooper knows how to install a toilet main?
- All they know is killing. - So they bring in independent contractors.
- Why are you so upset? - Those innocent contractors brought in are killed...
casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.
Look, you're a roofer. Some juicy government contract comes your way.
You got a wife and kids, the two-story in suburbia.
This is a government contract which means all sorts of benefits.
Along come these left-wing militants who blast everything...
within a three-mile radius with their lasers.
You didn't ask for that,: You had no personal politics.
- You're just trying to scrape out a living. - I don't mean to interrupt...
- but what are you talking about? - The ending of Return Of The Jedi.
My friend is trying to convince me that independent contractors working on the Death Star...
were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the rebels.
I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer.
"Done And Ready Home Improvements."
Speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer's personal politics...
- comes into play heavily when choosing jobs. - Like when?
Three weeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house.
Tons of property. A simple re-shingling job.
They told me if I could finish it in one day, I would double my price.
- Then I realized whose house it was. - [Dante] Whose house was it?
- Dominic Bambino's. - Baby Face Bambino? The gangster?
The same! The money was right, but the risk was too high.
I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend.
- Based on personal politics. - Right!
The next week, the Foresie family put a hit on Baby Face's house.
- My friend was shot and killed. Didn't even finish re-shingling. - No way.
I'm alive because I knew the risk involved in that particular client.
My friend wasn't so lucky.
Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved.
If they got killed, it's their own fault.
A roofer listens to this, not his wallet.
They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good.
Are either one of these any good?
- Sir? - What?
- Are either one of these any good? - I don't watch movies.
[Sighs] Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Nope.
[Sighs]
- Well, what about these two? - They suck.
[Sighs] These are the same two movies.
- You weren't paying any attention. - No, I wasn't.
I don't think your manager would appreciate it...
- I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am. - I beg your pardon?
Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
And I hope it feels good.
- You hope what feels good? - I hope it feels so good to be right.
There's nothing more exhilarating...
than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
[Heavy Sigh] Well, this is the last time I rent here!
- You will be missed. - Screw you!
- Hey, you're not allowed to rent here anymore! - [Jay] Yeah!
Screw me?
- You'll never believe what this unruly customer just said. - Wait.
- She in here? - This guy's going through all the eggs. Look.
This has been going on for 20 minutes now.
- What's he looking for? - Said he has to find the perfect dozen.
- Perfect dozen? - Each egg has to be perfect.
- The quest isn't going well? - Obviously not.
- Look at all the cartons that didn't make the grade. - Why doesn't he mix and match?
- I told him that, and he yelled at me. - What'd he say?
He said it was important to have standards. He says no one has any pride anymore.
It's not like you laid the eggs yourself.
I give him five more minutes. After that, I'm calling the cops.
I don't need this. I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Two packs of cigarettes.
- I'm as puzzled as you. - I've actually seen it before.
- You know him? - No, but I know the behavior.
- Let me guess. He's looking for the perfect carton of eggs? - [Randal] How'd you know?
- I'll bet you a million dollars he's a guidance counselor. - [Dante] Why do you say that?
I saw it happen in Food City, like last year. Different guy, though.
Stock boy said he'd been looking through cartons of eggs for half an hour...
doing all sorts of endurance tests and stuff.
I asked him why nobody called the manager. He said it happens...
two, three times a week, sometimes more.
- Get out of here. - No, I kid you not.
They call it shell shock. Seems it only happens with guidance counselors.
They used to make a big deal of it, but they just let it go now...
because they always pay for whatever they break, and they never bother anybody.
Why guidance counselors?
If your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
- Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless. - See?
It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys.
That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
[Young Girl] Pack of cigarettes.
Did you ever notice that all the prices end in "9"?
Damn, that's eerie.
- Do you know how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour? - What's a jizz-mopper?
The guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.
- "Nudie booth"? - Yeah, nudie booth.
- You ever been in a nudie booth? - Guess not.
Oh, man, it's great.
You go into this booth, and there's glass between you and these chicks.
- And they put on a show for you for like ten bucks. - What kind of a show?
Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do.
These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body.
- Any opening. - Can we not talk about this now?
The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load.
Practically everybody does it right on the window.
I don't know if you know this, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
- I will never come to this place again. - Excuse me?
Using filthy language in front of the customers. You both should be fired.
Oh, I-I'm sorry. I guess we kinda got carried away.
I don't know if sorry can make up for it.
You've highly offended me.
Well, if you think that's offensive, check this out.
Oh! [Screaming]
- I think you can see her kidneys. - Why do you do things like that?
- You know he's only going to come back and tell the boss. - Who cares?
That guy's an asshole. Everybody that comes in here is way too uptight.
This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
- Jesus! I'm gonna hear from the boss tomorrow. - Would you loosen up?
You'd feel a lot better if you'd just rip into the occasional customer.
Why? I-I don't bother them and they don't bother me.
Liar! Tell me there aren't customers that annoy the piss out of you on a daily basis.
- There aren't! - How can you lie like that?
Why don't you vent? Vent your frustrations. Come on. Who pisses you off?
Well, I guess it isn't customers in particular.
Maybe just a group of customers.
- Well, let's hear it. - Well, the Milk Maids.
The Milk Maids?
The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date.
As if somewhere beyond all the other gallons, is a container of milk...
that won't go bad for like a decade.
You know who I can do without? The people in the video store.
- Which ones? - All of 'em.
What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
So, do you have any new movies in?
Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
They never rent quality flicks.
They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.
Oooh! Navy Seals!
It's like, in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. Less than their shoe size.
You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage that I get.
What do you mean there's no ice? I've got to drink this coffee hot?
So, how much is this thing anyway?
Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh! Mini-Trucker magazine.
- See? You vented. Now don't you feel better? - No.
- Why not? - Because my ex-girlfriend is getting married.
Jesus, you got a one-track mind. It's always Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin.
Veronica!
- What happened to home by 12:00? - Boss hasn't shown up yet.
- How come you're not in class? - Lit. 101 got canceled.
- So I stopped home and I brought you some lunch. - What is it?
Peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off. What do you think it is?
- It's lasagna. - Really?
Oh, you're the queen.
I'm glad you calmed down a bit. Hi, Randal.
- Thirty-seven? - Shut up!
Yes, I've calmed down. I'm not happy, but I'll be able to deal.
- [Sucking Sound] - Why don't you go back to the video store?
- You had to tell him? - I had to tell someone. He put it into perspective.
- What did he say? - He said at least he wasn't 36.
And that made you feel better?
And he said that most of them were college guys I never even seen or met before.
- The ostrich syndrome: If you don't see it... - It isn't there. Yes.
- Thank you for being rational. - Thank you for the lasagna.
- Couldn't get the shutters open? - No.
I called the locksmith. He said the earliest he could be here is tomorrow morning.
Bummer. Well, I gotta head back for the 1:30 class.
- What time you get finished? - 8:00, but I have a sorority meeting till 9:00.
So, I'll see you when you close then. Can we go out for coffee?
- Sure. - Good.
See you when you close. Enjoy the lasagna.
[Door Opens, Closes]
[Sucking Sound]
[Drum Beats]
If you're really feeling dangerous tonight...
Smokey and the Bandit III is the movie you must rent.
- I don't know. Burt's not in it. - He wasn't in E.T. Neither, but that was a great movie.
Can you go next door? I gotta make a phone call.
Smokey and the Bandit III, thumbs up, right?
Best Burtless movie ever made.
- Oh, what a cute cat. What's his name? - Lenin's Tomb.
Hello. Is Mr. Snyder there? This is Dante.
Did he say he was on his way here? To the convenience store.
Yeah. The other guy called out sick.
Mr. Snyder asked me to cover till he came in.
He said he'd be here by 12:00 and it's already 1:30...
so I was just wondering if...
Excuse me?
Vermont?
No, that can't be. I just talked to him this morning.
He left at what time?
He really went to Vermont? When the hell was someone going to tell me?
He promised me he'd be here by noon!
Jesus, when does he get back? Tuesday? You've gotta be fucking kidding me!
I've got a hockey game at 2:00, and the steel shutters are jammed closed.
And he's in Vermont? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
[Sighing]
So I'm stuck here until closing?
Oh, this is just great. I can't fucking believe this.
Th...
No. No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you.
Yeah, I know.
No, I-I'll be all right.
Well, that's all I can do, right? Yeah.
- All right, thanks. Bye. - Vermont?
- Can you fucking believe this? - He didn't mention that to you this morning?
Not a word! Not a fucking word, that slippery shit.
- So, what? You're stuck here all day? - Fuck!
- Why'd you apologize? - What?
I heard you apologize. Why? You had every reason in the world to be mad.
- I know! - Jesus! That seems to be the leitmotif in your life.
- Ever backing down. - I don't back down!
You always back down. You assume blame that's not yours.
You come in on your day off; you buckle like a belt.
- You know what really pisses me off? - That I'm right about your buckling?
- I'm going to miss the fucking game! - Because you buckled.
- Shut up with that shit. It ain't helping! - Don't yell at me, pal.
- I'm sorry. - See? There you go again.
- I can't believe I'm going to miss the fucking game. - At least we're stuck together.
You got a customer.
What? What do you want?
I can't fucking believe this.
Yeah, hello, Sanford. Dante.
I can't play today. I'm stuck at work.
Yeah, I know I'm not scheduled today... Forget it.
Point is, I can't play today. Neither can Randal. He's working too.
Wait a second. Do we have to play at the park?
Hold on. You feeling limber?
- Pull my laces tighter, man. - I've got to tell you, my friend...
this is one of the most ballsiest moves I've ever been privy to.
I never thought you capable of such a blatant disregard of store policy.
- I told him I had a game today. It's his own fault. - No arguments here.
- Insubordination rules. - I just want to play hockey like I was scheduled to.
- I'm gonna grab a Gatorade. - If you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's gonna grab one.
- So? - Who's gonna pay for these Gatorades?
- What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker? - I have a responsibility here.
- I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks. - What responsibility?
- You're closing the store to play hockey. - He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control?
No, I'm sayin' if you're gonna be insubordinate, might as well go the full nine...
not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
- He's right. As if we're going to have a run on Gatorade. - Fuckin' A.
All right! Jesus, you fuckers are pushy!
- I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major. - Design major.
- Can we not talk about this? - Fine by me.
But you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker.
- You going to lock the store? - I don't know. You're going to lock the video store?
Look who you're asking here. How're we gonna block the street?
- We're not playing in the street. - Then where are we gonna play?
[Yelling, Wheels Rolling]
- Foul, man! Hit Sanford! - Pass it!
[Yelling]
You got nothin'! You got nothin'!
- When is this period over? - Eight more minutes.
What, are you shitting me? I wanna get cigarettes.
- Just wait a few minutes. - I'm gonna break my crazy neck on this ladder.
Now, lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the fucking store!
- Dante, where are you? - He's busy! - In a second!
Fuck "in a second"! Oh, look at you. You can't even pass.
- [Dante] I can pass! - How about covering the point? Man, you suck!
- Who are you to make assessments? - I'll assess all I want, pal!
- Dante, you in or out? - Don't pass to this guy. He sucks. You suck!
- Like you're any better? - I can whip your ass any day, pal.
- Easy to say over there. - Give me a stick, pretty boy!
I'll knock your fucking teeth out and pass all over your ass!
- You open? - Yeah, you open?
[Together] No!
All right, there's a stick over there. You're shooting against this goal.
Hey, Redding! Come on. Get this fucker!
[Drum Roll]
[Electric Guitar Starts]